all of the people beneath your feet you'll never speak to and never meet. all of the dark they each will go.

my recent excursion has prompted the rapid flow of thoughts to enter my brain. i feel i will never become even remotely satisfied ever again. i must poke, prod, and dissect until the makeup of even the smallest particles is no longer in question. i believe in destiny, fate, whatever you may choose to label it as. i do not call them mere coincidences. yes, you could say that myself and the people that i feel destined to connect to find each other because we have something in common that links us. but without destiny, i ask you...why would we have something in common to begin with? it tends to be that people whose encounters i cherish are those who will only briefly recall me, if even at all. i reflect back upon my last shawn harris meeting. there was a different level of connection i discussed to the best of my ability in a previous blog. i was not the only one to notice either-there are still no words to describe that feeling. i can't help but believe that destiny ensured i meet him at that moment for whatever reason, but something that powerful seems unlikely to be controlled by a spontaneous decision. it was meant to be. it will probably never happen again-and if it does i will be elevated to a whole new level of happiness i never knew existed. i may sound obsessive, but remind you...shawn harris is my hero, my idol. think of your most beloved idol-take that to the utmost degree you can fathom. now imagine you feeling a connection with this person. imagine others noticing without you saying a word. do you understand now? have you ever reflected and felt certain emotions towards someone you can't even begin to label? sometimes that feeling of connectivity is instantaneous and at others it is the kind of feeling you can reflect upon to find. i met a boy on my trip that was one of the first people i got to know. he was very confusing, and as you know, there is nothing i hate more than not being able to decipher someone. looking back, i feel i faulted, messed up, slipped and fell to my demise. there was something about him. i can't put it into words and i don't know if anyone who reads this will understand-but he reached me on a whole new level. it isn't a crush thing (not to say that isn't there also) but there's more to it. like i'm so intrigued by him for a reason. and only time will tell how he has affected my destiny- for some reason i have this idea in my head that won't shake itself free. i refrain from speaking too soon. perhaps fate will once again act for me and bring us together to help me better understand. you may say i over analyze and take things too far. but we all have to believe in something. like some people with ghosts- perhaps you have to have had and experience to believe...and i am experienced. for now i feel lost and empty. i don't feel i can look at thinsg the same as before. it started with mr. harris. i'm only stating my feelings (if they sound crazy-take my words for late night babbling). ever since then, i feel like more of myself. i feel like i have found me to the utmost degree. and after this weekend, i don't know what will happen-it seems too soon to tell., but i have no doubt that the effects will be readily seen when i'm least expecting them. now wasn't this better than the account of my weekend i had planned? to leave you with a funny light hearted note i will tell an account of a conversation. myself, jimmy(black), ricardo (half black? although he's black by his standards). jimmy says"so you like black?" i obviously took it the wrong way as did ricardo. we exchanged a look and then jimmy was like"well you have all that eyeliner"... it got a laugh from noel. and if i can make noel giggle, you better be giggling, damn it.