We could have torn this whole world apart.

New Years. I've never been one for resolutions. I suppose the rambling that will follow isn't a resolution so I don't know what it's importance is since it seems there is nothing I can do to change the final outcome now. I guess I just need to attempt to get this off my chest. If there was any way possible to become friends with her again I would do whatever was requested without a moment's hesitation. I know I screwed up and looking back it now becomes evident it was way worse than I had hoped. She was my best friend and those kinds of people are rare to come by and honestly I don't think I've ever felt so idiotic and regretful that I took that for granted. I'll admit all my wrongdoings for one final time I suppose. I went along with other people's joking toward her not really realizing what I was doing. I agreed with others and sometimes was the initiator of the rude crude comments made behind her back. That was childish of me. I shall relinquish the blame I placed on another friend for starting drama between my former best friend and I. Maybe one day my former bff will look back and see parts of that, but as I said I'm taking all the blame from now on. I know I become jealous and hurt when I feel like I'm not as close with someone as I used to be especially if I feel that someone else is imposing. When I feel betrayed I can't help but to take it out on my bff and try to not show my sadness and jealous emotions. It is wrong for me to cover how I really feel and now I know that more than ever. I shouldn't hide things from my best friends even if I am ashamed of them, even if I feel that it is easier to lie. Secrets tear friendships apart. I miss her so much. I'm not as angry as I am upset. I feel I've lost something I can't ever replace. I would lie if I said the thought of not having her around has not caused pain. Sometimes I guess it is true you don't realize what you have until it's gone. If tears could her bring her back, she'd be here by now. I would vow to her to change everything and become a better friend. I'll take all the blame. But what saddens me the most is that I truly feel it is too late. I feel like there is no hope left and for only the second time in my life I feel helpless. I know she's angry. She has every right to be. I just wish she'd let me try to be better. I was trying the few weeks before our collapse of sorts, but I feel that maybe I wasn't trying hard enough. I need her. She's the only one I can imagine with me at concerts. She's the only one that gets my weird musical jokes. She was the only friend I ever felt I could be myself 100% around. Too bad I wasn't. I owed her that at least. She was one of the best friends I've ever had and I don't know what I'm going to do without her. I just wish she knew I was sorry. Truly sorry. For everything.

Have you ever been experienced? Well, I have. Let me prove it to you.

Oui en effet it ete un tout a fait certain temps. I suppose it is only right to provide updates on my recent and not so recent happenings. Dance: We performed a small little number at Amazement Square sometime in November and walked around in our costumes for a breakfast with Santa event beforehand. When performance time came all that was virtually left of the crowd were vendors and employees and a few parents. Not much to speak of at all, but what can you do? So we did our thing and that was that. It was very disappointing to say the least and it made me very anxious about how the turnout would be for the big thing. But when that time came I was pleasantly surprised. Not bad for hillbilly Bedford if I must say so myself. December 8 was our recital and it was crazy! It felt like it came upon me so fast I didn't have time to think. The rehearsal the night before was fine except for the Santa costume malfunctions, but the rehearsal isn't what really matters I suppose. So to the big show, I started out on the stage as Fritz for my dance with Clara and the guest children and that may have been the most exciting part. There was just something about it- little comments exchanged behind the curtains and then as soon as the music reaches our ears its like a whole different world. It was such an ego boost to be on the stage as the curtains open to be who the audience sees first, even if your part isn't the lead. That dance went well except for my absolutely hideous tour jete. No one I talked to afterwards claimed to even notice, but I did and it killed me!!! Nutcracker finale came and went without a flaw, so I felt better after that. LeeAnne informed the snowflakes rehearsal night that our dance was the best, and without seeing the other dances recital night, I can comfortably say I have a feeling it was spell bounding then too! And by the way, during the show, some former ensemble members and other friends had come to see the show. Since they had experience on the stage they knew the one place that the performers can actually see people through the lights- the balcony. It added a little more nervousness for some reason to clearly see faces of those you know especially since two of those friends are dancers themselves! But anyway, second act. Our tap dance went fine except for the fact that two of the five girls slipped in the kick line and stopped with a few kicks left to go, so another girl thought she messed up and quit kicking. Thank goodness there were only two kicks left where me and another girl kept kicking. There is that moment of panic when something unexpected happens on stage and I was like what do i do? But we were told that it looked like it was meant to happen in that fashion, so that was comforting. Then came my role as Santa. I have very much pride in that dance because it's me and my two teachers. It's both a relief and a disappointment to be hidden behind Santa get-up. I do believe that was the most trying dance I've done thus far, purely because of the costume. Mainly because you have a certain way of moving and then it becomes hindered by the pillow in your suit and the beard, wig, and glasses that obstruct your view. That dance went well though. I was very happy and grossly sweaty. And then the finale which went very smoothly. I was very happy to get through the whole thing without my "stomach" to my knees or my wig falling off. Then last Wednesday we performed a few dances for an elementary school. I do believe I had more fun doing that than the big recital because of the reactions on those kids faces.(and no gross sweaty suffocating Santa costume! lol) They OHH and AHHH and add so much excitement-not to mention my tour jete was a bit better even though I ended up having to back up a little to align myself properly with Clara because the stage was so tiny. But in conclusion, I miss the ensemble thing. Sure I have my Saturdays and Sundays free again, but I still miss it. These past few months I feel I've grown as a dancer not only physically but mentally and I contribute a lot of that to ensemble. And I must add -I made a lot of connections and of course I'm all about that. I can't wait until next year for ensemble! I'm not sure it can get better that the amazing experience I've already had. But I dare say it's only up from here!