all of the people beneath your feet you'll never speak to and never meet. all of the dark they each will go.

my recent excursion has prompted the rapid flow of thoughts to enter my brain. i feel i will never become even remotely satisfied ever again. i must poke, prod, and dissect until the makeup of even the smallest particles is no longer in question. i believe in destiny, fate, whatever you may choose to label it as. i do not call them mere coincidences. yes, you could say that myself and the people that i feel destined to connect to find each other because we have something in common that links us. but without destiny, i ask you...why would we have something in common to begin with? it tends to be that people whose encounters i cherish are those who will only briefly recall me, if even at all. i reflect back upon my last shawn harris meeting. there was a different level of connection i discussed to the best of my ability in a previous blog. i was not the only one to notice either-there are still no words to describe that feeling. i can't help but believe that destiny ensured i meet him at that moment for whatever reason, but something that powerful seems unlikely to be controlled by a spontaneous decision. it was meant to be. it will probably never happen again-and if it does i will be elevated to a whole new level of happiness i never knew existed. i may sound obsessive, but remind you...shawn harris is my hero, my idol. think of your most beloved idol-take that to the utmost degree you can fathom. now imagine you feeling a connection with this person. imagine others noticing without you saying a word. do you understand now? have you ever reflected and felt certain emotions towards someone you can't even begin to label? sometimes that feeling of connectivity is instantaneous and at others it is the kind of feeling you can reflect upon to find. i met a boy on my trip that was one of the first people i got to know. he was very confusing, and as you know, there is nothing i hate more than not being able to decipher someone. looking back, i feel i faulted, messed up, slipped and fell to my demise. there was something about him. i can't put it into words and i don't know if anyone who reads this will understand-but he reached me on a whole new level. it isn't a crush thing (not to say that isn't there also) but there's more to it. like i'm so intrigued by him for a reason. and only time will tell how he has affected my destiny- for some reason i have this idea in my head that won't shake itself free. i refrain from speaking too soon. perhaps fate will once again act for me and bring us together to help me better understand. you may say i over analyze and take things too far. but we all have to believe in something. like some people with ghosts- perhaps you have to have had and experience to believe...and i am experienced. for now i feel lost and empty. i don't feel i can look at thinsg the same as before. it started with mr. harris. i'm only stating my feelings (if they sound crazy-take my words for late night babbling). ever since then, i feel like more of myself. i feel like i have found me to the utmost degree. and after this weekend, i don't know what will happen-it seems too soon to tell., but i have no doubt that the effects will be readily seen when i'm least expecting them. now wasn't this better than the account of my weekend i had planned? to leave you with a funny light hearted note i will tell an account of a conversation. myself, jimmy(black), ricardo (half black? although he's black by his standards). jimmy says"so you like black?" i obviously took it the wrong way as did ricardo. we exchanged a look and then jimmy was like"well you have all that eyeliner"... it got a laugh from noel. and if i can make noel giggle, you better be giggling, damn it.

if you love me...won't you let me know?

so... to refer back to a vignette i once wrote...it doesn't get any better.
after an amazing recital, i will reflect back on a little secret. perhaps you will interpret is as minuscule in importance or complete nonsense, but for whatever reason it affected me and for that reason and that reason alone, i have chosen to acknowledge it here. i had brought along my locket with iboo's pictures, for obvious reasons and not so obvious reasons i suppose. well, saturday night, as we stand backstage ready to go on for our first dance i realize i had paid no mind to it since i had left walmart to head to the school. as we all know from my previous blog entry, saturday's performance was not anywhere close to the expectations i had set for myself. sunday, i did pay attention to my little locket and the performance was what i dreamt it would be. as i reflected back in my restless state, i came to the realization that my locket had played an integral part in my success. we all have our beliefs- this is mine. i will never forget who i am doing this for and i will never forget how i got here.
as the saying goes, when it rains, it pours. and my, did it pour.
i did not got to school on monday
1) i was walking like a hobo when i awoke
2) my calves were and are killing me when i squat
3) i was physically and mentally drained(an odd but intriguing feeling)
4) i have weird stretch mark-esque things on my upper left thigh that hurt to the touch
anyway, that night i attended an awards ceremony for the anne spencer poetry contest in which i was a finalist along with 2 of my friends. ms. frazer was also in attendance. well, i did not know what poem had been submitted- eyeliner or she was:the one about my grandmother. well, it was the latter and we had to read them. i was fine until the second line. and then i couldn't help it. i burst into tears( and i don't cry in front of people). what the fuck? it urned to the guy and informed him promptly that i was sorry but i couldn't read it. ms. frazer saved the day and did it for me. i didn't win but i was in the top twelve and received honorable mention. another one of the finalists poem's was entitled iris-ironic much? what do they expect em to do when shoving this all in my face at once? i mean come on...
but to the good news, as we stood there before the ceremony, frazer fraze informed me that i will be next year's co literary editor for collage with one of the other finalists. i was ecstatic in ways i can't even explain. an amazing recital and an amazing position. when it rains, it pours, i'm telling you.

come on and show me what you got...

so a year of hard work has come and gone. for those of you who don't already know my yearly dance recitals concluded tonight. the first was last night and then we had our second tonight.
friday night was very eventful...a complete different story, perhaps to be revealed at a later time. and i slept a very restless night indeed. i got up fairly early to get ready for rehearsal and spent most of the day at the school. rehearsals were okay. my basket of rose petals for my modern dance was left at the studio so i had an imaginary basket.
so recital was at 7. i got back at the school around 5:30 to get my hair done and such. recital did not go as well as i wished it would have. i was pretty down. i messed up and had wardrobe malfunctions( headpiece falling off in acro. number). everyone assured me i had done fine, you couldn't tell. but that doesn't matter, i hadn't done my best and that killed me. i knew that i would be devastated if sunday wasn't flawless. my parents were there along with my two uncles, aunt, and grandma. i got flowers. yay. chrissy was there. i lover her so much. she is so supportive. and guess who actually showed up- andy. yes my best friend actually came-and didn't fall asleep. we went out to eat afterwards with some other friends. it was fun.
so i slept even more restlessly saturday night. there was so much on the line for tonight. so ballet number comes and goes fairly well. jazz goes wonderfully. ensemble with brad was amazing. modern was beautiful(except i realized ten minutes later i had forgotten my arm bands...but whatever i come out separately....so take that). as the curtains closed, i thought to myself yes i'm on the right path. acrobatics dance was beautiful- no malfunctions. curtains close for act two. one more to go. tap dance was successful. i walked off stage ecstatic. sunday was as flawless as it could have been. i had redeemed myself. i did it.
so i'm bruised in weird places. i'm drained physically and mentally. i'm walking like a hobo because my calves are killing me. i have weird stretch mark-esque things on my upper left thigh. i put my whole heart and soul into this.
and as next year's dance season is about to start-hello pointe...here i come! i realize that i have so much more to give. i am growing. this is possible. this is me bitches. this is it for me. never have i been so nervous. never have i felt so successful. never have i had the adrenaline rush (except when i meet shawn harris and especially that last encounter of connectivity) but anyway. here i am. i can do this now. i should have learned my lesson about doubt from reading sidney poitier's book. but i am only human. i doubled my dances from last year and i have learned so much. not just about dance, but also myself. i can not wait for the next recital...i want to learn so much more. it's time to raise my standards.
"may your organs fail before your dreams fail you..." little maggots by the matches