We're aching inside, aching. Mistakes are waiting...

At the risk of seeming like a crybaby pussy, I have decided to record my spastic thoughts in this poor little neglected blog I call my own. I'm in the mood to talk purely about relationships at the moment so maybe if you're lucky and you know me and you read this you will find something about lil ole you. Now wouldn't that be fun??? Anyway.... so I spent the night at one of my friend's houses on Friday. I have not felt so uncomfortable and awkward in such a long time. It was like I had fucked someone over and had just been reconciled with my friend.(which I didn't that I know of) It was like I was an outsider to my two friends there. If I haven't exactly been there they should know I was there if they really needed me and besides it's not like I've had time to even think the past few months. It just sucks to feel you don't have friends. I have some great guy friends(I'll get back to that later) but it just sucks to not have girly connections you love to hate. To my guy friends now. The other day I was shaken up pretty badly and if it wasn't for that I wouldn't have realized how great some people are. To recreate the event... it's right before 4th period and I start crying again so I head to the bathroom to just get away. As I'm walking down the hall, my best friend (it's complicated) is coming down the hall. As soon as he sees me he stops talking to whomever he was with and comes to see what's wrong. I just like broke down and hugged him and like for the first time in months it was just like everything was okay again. I mean fuck, that kid just gets me and it's kind of surreal. I can't believe all this shit happened and I know I fucked up, but I never stopped caring and I knew he must still care some. Anyway, so he was nice to me in 4th and then this other guy came over to check on me and I made the comment to him about how I felt like I didn't have my friends anymore. And if you know this guy it'll help you understand... but since you probably don't... he just told me he was my friend and gave me his number and was like call me if you ever need to talk. And he wasn't hitting on me, he was my friend again. So last night at my party I tried to kind of fix things because I hate when things are fucked up because as little as I like to admit it...I need support. I need certain people and I kind of seem to need them now more than I used to. You'll never hear me say that again, but I did once and that should count for something. I guess we will just have to see how things go. One last thing... there's something about one of my guy friends-something is going to happen between us at some point if you know what I mean... it just seems inevitable. It kind of gives me the creeps, but I'm not getting into it because then people might know who I'm talking about... and we all know I love to keep people guessing.

The Pen Is Larger.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who fell head over heels for a little boy. But as I said, they were both little, and so she didn't completely understand what love was at that moment. All she knew was that she cared about him a lot. He was her best friend. She never told him her secrets, like the one where she wanted to grow up and marry him. She never told him she liked him "that way" because he was her best friend and even at her young age she didn't want to lose him by telling him that. After all, she never knew how he felt about her. She remembered the first day she met the boy. They were instant friends. The next three years were the best of her life, she had him with her. Then she found out he was moving to a different school. It was okay though, because his mommy was her teacher that year. The little boy invited her to his birthday that year, and she was the only girl. And damn, didn't she feel special. Every day, the little girl hoped the boy's daddy would bring him by his mommy's work, because when this happened, she got to spend time with him. And Fuck did she miss him. She plotted everyday with her best friend(he would end up moving to the same school her boy had moved to) about how they could get the boy back. She wanted to move schools so bad, but that never happened. As the school year ended, the little girl knew that her time with the boy was limited. One day, he came by the school and they played on the playground and she bloodied up her arm and it hurt like hell, but she kept playing because she didn't want to lose a single moment with the little boy. A few weeks later is the last time the little girl saw the little boy. She remembers every detail. He walked into the room, but his daddy said they weren't staying long. She just looked at him, just wishing everything could be how it used to be. She still regrets not hugging him, not doing something, anything. The girl misses the boy for a very long time. She doesn't know how to get him back, so he slowly slips out of her life, but never never never out of her heart. The years go by, and she gets involved with other boys, and for the longest time, she can't figure out why she always ends up pushing them away. She never wants to get connected, and she cares for the boys, it's just that something happens and she is always a complete bitch in relationships. And then one day she just knows it's because of the little boy. Over the years, the memory of him has remained. The emotions are still there. Things are supposed to be better with time, but it hasn't gotten easier. Every time she things of him or someone mentions him its like the dagger in her side is twisted a little more. She thinks about the little boy very often. Way more often than she should. But she can't talk to anyone about how she feels, because no one would believe her. No one would believe she fell in love when she was that young. No one would believe she knows what love is even now, but she does. No one would believe she thinks about someone she hasn't seen in six years as much as she claims. But it's all true. Fuck Fuck Fuck she misses him. She would go talk to him one day, she knows how, but she doesn't know what would happen. For all she knows, the little boy won't remember her. He might blow her off. Of course, she wouldn't go confess her love. She is by no means stupid in that aspect. She just wants her boy back. But she is so afraid that seeing him again would make things even harder. But how could they get worse? And isn't there that slight slight minuscule chance the boy remembers her in the same way she remembers him? She needs him. He is her life even to this day. It may sound stupid, but she knows if it meant having him, she would drop everything and everyone in her life. She just wishes that one day just one day....... and she also wishes that someone would understand, but she's too afraid to tell anyone, because every time she tries to, she can tell what their reaction will be, and it doesn't matter what they say anyway. After all she knows what she felt and how she feels. And no one can take those feelings away, even though sometimes she wishes they were gone. And the little girl is waiting for her happy ending, for her prince to come and save her. And damn we all know she needs some saving and hell he's probably the only one capable of doing that. She just hopes she doesn't screw up anything.
A note for your consideration: This is merely a story. Take it for what it is. Nothing more. Nothing less.