Is it agreed upon that we all know how much little Miss Madlyn Claire rattles my nerves? Your answer to that question better be a most definite Yes. Today I do believe she was at her worst. To attempt to make the story short, she threw a fit because she wasn't satisfied with a drawing she had drawn and thus blamed me for this. After a good twenty minutes, she had exhausted all of her whining abilities and sat down to watch tv. To the important part- about an hour later, she made a comment about her grandfather. She followed this comment with this question-You don't have a grandpa anymore, do you Ozie? We had already discussed this topic before and so I answered briefly with a no. She goes back to eating lunch, the subject seemingly dropped. A few minutes pass, and then she says this- It's okay, Ozie. You don't have to be sad. Maybe he'll come back down from Heaven to see you if you wish hard enough. I couldn't help but to tear up at this. I've had a lot relating to this subject on my mind lately. Maybe that's all you have to do-just wish hard enough. Who is to say it isn't possible? I mean, we lose so much of that innocent pureness as we become exposed to the harsh realities life has to offer. When we start to grow up, people tell us thoughts like this are impossible. Enough times of these words being repeated, and we start to believe them ourselves. If we escaped being exposed to this kind of mindset, what would happen? I'm breaking out of the mold, I think it's worth a try.
"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one." ---Imagine---John Lennon
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Viva la white girl.
First things first... Factory Girl is a movie that words can't describe. Go watch it. If you know nothing about Edie Sedgwick and Andy Warhol here is your perfect opportunity to learn. If you do know about them, then all the better. The movie is brilliant I tell you. Guy Ritchie IS Andy. Sienna Miller just brings Edie to life and it's all so real. Oh Jimmy Fallon is in the cast also. Anyway, the story line is powerful and it is a movie well worth watching. I've seriously watched it almost twenty times since I got it and I've watched it three times in one night. I do believe it will prove itself to be my favorite movie ever. But now---
I'm sure everyone has experienced having a song stuck in your head. Am I correct? Well call me a book warm and a movie fanatic-yes I am a self admitted dork!-but sometimes I get passages from Shakespeare or lines from movies stuck in my head. Well...today I wake up and I had that poem from 10 Things I Hate About You stuck in my head which I found a bit odd because I haven't watched that movie in ages. And since the poem has been stuck in my head all day, I decided to write my own version. It sucks ass-but that's what I get for trying to rewrite someone else's poem in five minutes!
I hate that you're so gullible
And the color of your lipstick.
I hate it when you steal my friends.
I hate that you never get sick.
I hate your expensive t-shirts
And the way you catch my lies.
I hate you so much I can't get sleep.
It really fucks up my mind.
I hate the way you never listen.
I hate it when you scheme.
I hate it when you leave me out
And then say that we're a team.
I hate it when you're not my friend
And the fact you don't think I care,
But mostly I hate the way I can't hate you.
Even when I try,
No matter what I do,
It's just not fair.
So what do you think???
One more thing before I hit the sack. I would like to thank a certain person(they know who they are) for helping me so much last night. It meant the world to me and I'm forever grateful to them for being so great about everything and just listening when I needed a shoulder to lean on. So certain person- if you read this I just want to let you know I'm here for you when you need me. After all...it IS about time YOU break down. he he ha ha. I kid.
I'm sure everyone has experienced having a song stuck in your head. Am I correct? Well call me a book warm and a movie fanatic-yes I am a self admitted dork!-but sometimes I get passages from Shakespeare or lines from movies stuck in my head. Well...today I wake up and I had that poem from 10 Things I Hate About You stuck in my head which I found a bit odd because I haven't watched that movie in ages. And since the poem has been stuck in my head all day, I decided to write my own version. It sucks ass-but that's what I get for trying to rewrite someone else's poem in five minutes!
I hate that you're so gullible
And the color of your lipstick.
I hate it when you steal my friends.
I hate that you never get sick.
I hate your expensive t-shirts
And the way you catch my lies.
I hate you so much I can't get sleep.
It really fucks up my mind.
I hate the way you never listen.
I hate it when you scheme.
I hate it when you leave me out
And then say that we're a team.
I hate it when you're not my friend
And the fact you don't think I care,
But mostly I hate the way I can't hate you.
Even when I try,
No matter what I do,
It's just not fair.
So what do you think???
One more thing before I hit the sack. I would like to thank a certain person(they know who they are) for helping me so much last night. It meant the world to me and I'm forever grateful to them for being so great about everything and just listening when I needed a shoulder to lean on. So certain person- if you read this I just want to let you know I'm here for you when you need me. After all...it IS about time YOU break down. he he ha ha. I kid.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
I know it ain't how it used to be, but I'm not good at being me anymore.
A forewarning: this will prove itself to be pessimistically written and lengthy while all the while just speaking the harshest of truths.
Why is it those we love the most are those who cause us the most hurt? Why is it that those people are also the ones we hurt to the utmost degree? Why is it that the most fragile of us seem to be drawn to one another-when what we truly need is a strong associate-someone to keep us from wasting away? We all seem to be lost, but why is it that when we feel secure-not lost anymore, that we find ourselves with all the wrong people. Not strong people, but those like us, fragile. Why is it that the fragile will inevitably end up bonding and thus destroying each other? Why are we so destructive and cruel to each other? Is it something that results from our fragility or is that just the excuse? Is it a crime that is committed unconsciously or do we do it intentionally but later convince ourselves it was unintentional? Do we help destroy one another to insure we won't be the one to succumb to our weaknesses first? Do we commit the crime to make sure we don't become too attached? Is it all a desperate attempt to protect ourselves from the pain of emotions? Will we ever acknowledge those we've helped break down? Are we even capable of acknowledging those who have helped destroy us? We don't seem to be able to until it is too late. If it wasn't for one another we might stand a better chance at holding on, but we care for each other- that is our ultimate downfall. The people we care for exceedingly are the people we tend to let slip out of our lives the easiest. We spend the best times of our lives with these people. How are we to know which people in our lives are those that will have the most significant impact? Until they are gone and we reflect, we don't know. We are tricked while in the moment thinking those who will soon fade into oblivion are those which are of importance. While focusing on these people we let those who truly matter slip all too quickly out of reach. Why is it that to hide our suffering we go out of the way to harm the other person? Who are we really harming more? It is undeniable that people will come and go in and out of our lives, no matter how much that fact may eat us up inside. We can try to mask our emotions so we don't get wounded, but we still will. The fragile of us choose the path of denying emotion because we know we are fragile. The strong people, on the other hand, are unafraid to show their feelings-perhaps because they don't fully understand them. The fragile have actually experienced loss of love and it leaves them in their state. The strong are strong because they believe they have felt the pain, when in all honesty, they haven't. They can claim they have all they want, but they couldn't have. While the strong can live through life tossing all sorts of minuscule events around as extravagant hurt, the fragile live life shying away form connections attempting to avoid the effects. If this is how it works, why are the fragile pained the most? So, people come and go. It is a fact of life. Those who will influence us the most seem to be those we have for the shortest amount of time. Why is it that the ones we want the greatest amount are those we can't seem to keep? Perhaps it is the hurt we exchange. Perhaps it is because we are forcing each other away to protect ourselves from devastation. Perhaps it is that those we care for above all are those that care for us least- that would be a great wish now wouldn't it? It would make it all so much easier to know you were dealing with someone who didn't care. It would be so much easier to let go. Hate is so much easier to deal with than love. But no matter how hard we try, we can't hate those people. Instead we are faced with the truth that while we are being battered, we're also causing damage for someone else. As we watch each other collapse, claiming no guilt for aiding the collapse, we are unable to slow our own destruction. Perhaps we have no desire to if we are already in the process of losing the only thing that matters to us. In the end, all we are left with are ourselves. But can we live with that? Alone? After we have experienced that love? Then we are left to ask ourselves is the love worth the agony we have to endure? Those who are crushed first have the advantage of escaping the distress. Those that make it have to deal with the suffering we try to conceal until something else comes along( we hope). We hope another source comes along to let in the possibility of our own destruction. Those less lucky have to live with it all until death- hence the self-destruction aspect. Perhaps the fragile are divided into two groups. Those who can't stand the pain any longer, perhaps from a deficiency of sources of hope, and those who have enough hope to struggle through the pain just once more. So what are our options? What can we do about all of this? Nothing, if you are the fragile. It is just the reality that the fragile can't escape. Well to sum it all up there is a quote from Andy Warhol's character in Factory Girl as he is talking about Edie-
"I just think people forgot what emotions were supposed to be. I mean it's too hard to care. I mean, you know, I still care, but it would be so much easier not to care. It's just easier being detached."
It isn't weapons. It isn't illness. It isn't drugs. It isn't alcohol. To bluntly put it- we kill each other- with emotions.
Why is it those we love the most are those who cause us the most hurt? Why is it that those people are also the ones we hurt to the utmost degree? Why is it that the most fragile of us seem to be drawn to one another-when what we truly need is a strong associate-someone to keep us from wasting away? We all seem to be lost, but why is it that when we feel secure-not lost anymore, that we find ourselves with all the wrong people. Not strong people, but those like us, fragile. Why is it that the fragile will inevitably end up bonding and thus destroying each other? Why are we so destructive and cruel to each other? Is it something that results from our fragility or is that just the excuse? Is it a crime that is committed unconsciously or do we do it intentionally but later convince ourselves it was unintentional? Do we help destroy one another to insure we won't be the one to succumb to our weaknesses first? Do we commit the crime to make sure we don't become too attached? Is it all a desperate attempt to protect ourselves from the pain of emotions? Will we ever acknowledge those we've helped break down? Are we even capable of acknowledging those who have helped destroy us? We don't seem to be able to until it is too late. If it wasn't for one another we might stand a better chance at holding on, but we care for each other- that is our ultimate downfall. The people we care for exceedingly are the people we tend to let slip out of our lives the easiest. We spend the best times of our lives with these people. How are we to know which people in our lives are those that will have the most significant impact? Until they are gone and we reflect, we don't know. We are tricked while in the moment thinking those who will soon fade into oblivion are those which are of importance. While focusing on these people we let those who truly matter slip all too quickly out of reach. Why is it that to hide our suffering we go out of the way to harm the other person? Who are we really harming more? It is undeniable that people will come and go in and out of our lives, no matter how much that fact may eat us up inside. We can try to mask our emotions so we don't get wounded, but we still will. The fragile of us choose the path of denying emotion because we know we are fragile. The strong people, on the other hand, are unafraid to show their feelings-perhaps because they don't fully understand them. The fragile have actually experienced loss of love and it leaves them in their state. The strong are strong because they believe they have felt the pain, when in all honesty, they haven't. They can claim they have all they want, but they couldn't have. While the strong can live through life tossing all sorts of minuscule events around as extravagant hurt, the fragile live life shying away form connections attempting to avoid the effects. If this is how it works, why are the fragile pained the most? So, people come and go. It is a fact of life. Those who will influence us the most seem to be those we have for the shortest amount of time. Why is it that the ones we want the greatest amount are those we can't seem to keep? Perhaps it is the hurt we exchange. Perhaps it is because we are forcing each other away to protect ourselves from devastation. Perhaps it is that those we care for above all are those that care for us least- that would be a great wish now wouldn't it? It would make it all so much easier to know you were dealing with someone who didn't care. It would be so much easier to let go. Hate is so much easier to deal with than love. But no matter how hard we try, we can't hate those people. Instead we are faced with the truth that while we are being battered, we're also causing damage for someone else. As we watch each other collapse, claiming no guilt for aiding the collapse, we are unable to slow our own destruction. Perhaps we have no desire to if we are already in the process of losing the only thing that matters to us. In the end, all we are left with are ourselves. But can we live with that? Alone? After we have experienced that love? Then we are left to ask ourselves is the love worth the agony we have to endure? Those who are crushed first have the advantage of escaping the distress. Those that make it have to deal with the suffering we try to conceal until something else comes along( we hope). We hope another source comes along to let in the possibility of our own destruction. Those less lucky have to live with it all until death- hence the self-destruction aspect. Perhaps the fragile are divided into two groups. Those who can't stand the pain any longer, perhaps from a deficiency of sources of hope, and those who have enough hope to struggle through the pain just once more. So what are our options? What can we do about all of this? Nothing, if you are the fragile. It is just the reality that the fragile can't escape. Well to sum it all up there is a quote from Andy Warhol's character in Factory Girl as he is talking about Edie-
"I just think people forgot what emotions were supposed to be. I mean it's too hard to care. I mean, you know, I still care, but it would be so much easier not to care. It's just easier being detached."
It isn't weapons. It isn't illness. It isn't drugs. It isn't alcohol. To bluntly put it- we kill each other- with emotions.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
I can't get laid in this town without these pointy fucking shoes. My feet are so black and blue and so are you.
My oh so uneventful week has not left me much to write about. It did however, provide me with unimportant tidbits which I had the urge to note.
1.The Matches are rumoured to be putting out their new cd sometime in February or March. I can NOT wait. I shall count the days religiously. Let's just hope that this is actually going to be the date of release! I don't know how much longer I can wait!!!Another rumour is that they will tour with Say Anything... in the fall. Can we say the most bitchin' concert of '07? Yes. Yes, we can. Now how bloody kick ass would it be if they went on tour and came near us on my birthday? It would be the best birthday present ever. Rocking out with The Matches and Say Anything... for my *sweet* sixteen!!! Can we say Olivia would fucking flip? Yes. yes, we can.
2.Another odd-that chick has my clothes-incident occurred. I was watching the N and they have these clips of casts from all the shows hanging out. The clip I saw happened to be a pool party scene. Well anyway, the chick that plays Madison on South of Nowhere had my bathing suit! To say the least I was flabbergasted that people keep stealing my clothes and wearing them on TV!
3. Jordan called a little while ago and so I left my spot on the couch to talk to her. When I came back, some show called One on One was on and as I was about to change the channel, who do my eyes behold? None other than Kel! Yes the Kenan and Kel Kel! Who doesn't love Kel? Seriously. So, that made my day.
I vow to you that the next time I write, the topics will be of more substance. But I will say it again---Who doesn't love Kel?
1.The Matches are rumoured to be putting out their new cd sometime in February or March. I can NOT wait. I shall count the days religiously. Let's just hope that this is actually going to be the date of release! I don't know how much longer I can wait!!!Another rumour is that they will tour with Say Anything... in the fall. Can we say the most bitchin' concert of '07? Yes. Yes, we can. Now how bloody kick ass would it be if they went on tour and came near us on my birthday? It would be the best birthday present ever. Rocking out with The Matches and Say Anything... for my *sweet* sixteen!!! Can we say Olivia would fucking flip? Yes. yes, we can.
2.Another odd-that chick has my clothes-incident occurred. I was watching the N and they have these clips of casts from all the shows hanging out. The clip I saw happened to be a pool party scene. Well anyway, the chick that plays Madison on South of Nowhere had my bathing suit! To say the least I was flabbergasted that people keep stealing my clothes and wearing them on TV!
3. Jordan called a little while ago and so I left my spot on the couch to talk to her. When I came back, some show called One on One was on and as I was about to change the channel, who do my eyes behold? None other than Kel! Yes the Kenan and Kel Kel! Who doesn't love Kel? Seriously. So, that made my day.
I vow to you that the next time I write, the topics will be of more substance. But I will say it again---Who doesn't love Kel?
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