We're aching inside, aching. Mistakes are waiting...

At the risk of seeming like a crybaby pussy, I have decided to record my spastic thoughts in this poor little neglected blog I call my own. I'm in the mood to talk purely about relationships at the moment so maybe if you're lucky and you know me and you read this you will find something about lil ole you. Now wouldn't that be fun??? Anyway.... so I spent the night at one of my friend's houses on Friday. I have not felt so uncomfortable and awkward in such a long time. It was like I had fucked someone over and had just been reconciled with my friend.(which I didn't that I know of) It was like I was an outsider to my two friends there. If I haven't exactly been there they should know I was there if they really needed me and besides it's not like I've had time to even think the past few months. It just sucks to feel you don't have friends. I have some great guy friends(I'll get back to that later) but it just sucks to not have girly connections you love to hate. To my guy friends now. The other day I was shaken up pretty badly and if it wasn't for that I wouldn't have realized how great some people are. To recreate the event... it's right before 4th period and I start crying again so I head to the bathroom to just get away. As I'm walking down the hall, my best friend (it's complicated) is coming down the hall. As soon as he sees me he stops talking to whomever he was with and comes to see what's wrong. I just like broke down and hugged him and like for the first time in months it was just like everything was okay again. I mean fuck, that kid just gets me and it's kind of surreal. I can't believe all this shit happened and I know I fucked up, but I never stopped caring and I knew he must still care some. Anyway, so he was nice to me in 4th and then this other guy came over to check on me and I made the comment to him about how I felt like I didn't have my friends anymore. And if you know this guy it'll help you understand... but since you probably don't... he just told me he was my friend and gave me his number and was like call me if you ever need to talk. And he wasn't hitting on me, he was my friend again. So last night at my party I tried to kind of fix things because I hate when things are fucked up because as little as I like to admit it...I need support. I need certain people and I kind of seem to need them now more than I used to. You'll never hear me say that again, but I did once and that should count for something. I guess we will just have to see how things go. One last thing... there's something about one of my guy friends-something is going to happen between us at some point if you know what I mean... it just seems inevitable. It kind of gives me the creeps, but I'm not getting into it because then people might know who I'm talking about... and we all know I love to keep people guessing.