We could have torn this whole world apart.

New Years. I've never been one for resolutions. I suppose the rambling that will follow isn't a resolution so I don't know what it's importance is since it seems there is nothing I can do to change the final outcome now. I guess I just need to attempt to get this off my chest. If there was any way possible to become friends with her again I would do whatever was requested without a moment's hesitation. I know I screwed up and looking back it now becomes evident it was way worse than I had hoped. She was my best friend and those kinds of people are rare to come by and honestly I don't think I've ever felt so idiotic and regretful that I took that for granted. I'll admit all my wrongdoings for one final time I suppose. I went along with other people's joking toward her not really realizing what I was doing. I agreed with others and sometimes was the initiator of the rude crude comments made behind her back. That was childish of me. I shall relinquish the blame I placed on another friend for starting drama between my former best friend and I. Maybe one day my former bff will look back and see parts of that, but as I said I'm taking all the blame from now on. I know I become jealous and hurt when I feel like I'm not as close with someone as I used to be especially if I feel that someone else is imposing. When I feel betrayed I can't help but to take it out on my bff and try to not show my sadness and jealous emotions. It is wrong for me to cover how I really feel and now I know that more than ever. I shouldn't hide things from my best friends even if I am ashamed of them, even if I feel that it is easier to lie. Secrets tear friendships apart. I miss her so much. I'm not as angry as I am upset. I feel I've lost something I can't ever replace. I would lie if I said the thought of not having her around has not caused pain. Sometimes I guess it is true you don't realize what you have until it's gone. If tears could her bring her back, she'd be here by now. I would vow to her to change everything and become a better friend. I'll take all the blame. But what saddens me the most is that I truly feel it is too late. I feel like there is no hope left and for only the second time in my life I feel helpless. I know she's angry. She has every right to be. I just wish she'd let me try to be better. I was trying the few weeks before our collapse of sorts, but I feel that maybe I wasn't trying hard enough. I need her. She's the only one I can imagine with me at concerts. She's the only one that gets my weird musical jokes. She was the only friend I ever felt I could be myself 100% around. Too bad I wasn't. I owed her that at least. She was one of the best friends I've ever had and I don't know what I'm going to do without her. I just wish she knew I was sorry. Truly sorry. For everything.